glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
