WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
