chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
