I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He passed out mid-signature
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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