Pappa wants mamma naked
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's the barista slut.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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