when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
