She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
