The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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