Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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