the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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