Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
