so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have feelings that need drinking.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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