I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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