Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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