i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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