Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
