Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
