Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
People in love make me want to vomit
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
