I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
