Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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