I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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