I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
