I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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