....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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