I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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