For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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