break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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