Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
FUCK WHALES
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
