i need an iv and a liver transplant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
