When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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