Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
