Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
