those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
