Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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