So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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