also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
