I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
