GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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