I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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