She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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