just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
