Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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