he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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