I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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