My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
50% drunk capacity currently
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
