his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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