My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
