What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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