Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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