I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
