i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she pinky promised me she was 18
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
