You don't have asthma, your pregnant
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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